Sunday, November 30, 2008

We must move forward

We had a nice Thanksgiving with my husband's family this year, although I really missed spending the holiday with my parents and my sister's family at the same time. On Friday I did go shopping and to see "Four Christmases" with my Mother-in law, that was fun, we ended the day with dinner at Bravo's. While we were shopping on Friday, my husband and daughter went to a football game for two smaller college, my father in-law had clients that had a box, so it was a great experience for them. My daughter was very excited to go to the game (anything to avoid shopping), afterwards she said that the box was "so cool" but the football was not.

The end of IVF #2

I had hoped to make it to Monday without starting my period. Saturday morning I woke up at my in-laws and had some very light spotting. By the time we made it home yesterday afternoon it changed to heavy bleeding. AF has arrived in the biggest showing ever. Both my husband and my mother in-law asked if I thought I over did it when we shopped on Friday. This makes me feel defensive, like deep down they will blame me. My husband says that he does not blame me in the least, however I can't help but feel like it's my body that has failed and the guilt is mixed in with the other emotions I have. So I feel defensive too and like I owe everyone an apology. These feelings are self inflicted, but they are still there.

My husband and I started grieving yesterday, we know I'm not pregnant now. We both are extremely sad, it's the worst feeling in the world. I just can't help but feel like I am letting him down and our families down. I have so many emotions right now, but overall I just feel kind of numb.

Tomorrow I'll have my blood test in the morning so the clinic can officially document the BFN. All attempts for us to get pregnant thus far have been covered by insurance. We've been fortunate enough to have paid very little out of pocket, however we have reached our cap. Anything we decide to do in the future will be on our own dime.

I will keep this blog updated with our journey to have a baby, we do not want to give up, we just can't give up. My husband and I talked this morning and we want to continue, it's our dream to have a part of me and a part of him to walk this earth. In my heart I feel like even though we didn't succeed this time that we have to move forward and try again.


  1. I've just finished reading your story, and I'm so sad for you and your husband. I know it's heartbreaking to hear the news of a failed IVF attempt. It's as though the world keeps spinning around you, but you're stuck in a sad place that is hard to move away from. I do have hope for you and love that you still have hope for yourself. Good luck in '09!

  2. thank you for sharing your thoughts...i could relate to a lot of what you you've been going through. my first ivf transfer was last thursday and i've been looking for answers since then on the web about whether or not day 2 transfer with 2 cell embryos leads to successful implantation. i didn't find much about the 2 cell embryos and i'm beginning to think ivf didn't work and that something was wrong with my embryos. and i started questioning my doctor.

    my first blood preg. test is monday and i'm on day 7 post transfer and haven't felt any cramps or signs of pregnancy. it's very frustrating when i read about other people having these signs. it helps to know that there is someone else out there with similar issues.

  3. Thanks for your comments - we questioned our doctor too and they said that our one 2 cell was high quality and had just as much chance as one that had already divided. I will keep you in my prayers - I hope you have a positive test result, try to find some peace during your waiting time. Let me know, I'm pulling for you! Amy