Poor Egg Quality take 2

I couldn't bring myself to post yesterday, I think I wanted to live in our own private denial land for the day.

Here is how yesterday unfolded:

Before we left our house in the morning my DH gave me a nice massage/rub down again, with the same meditation music playing. I decided that since I smelled like pumpkin spice all over again we should nickname the baby "pumpkin."

The clinic we go to is about 40 mins from our house..right before we arrived at the clinic I got all weepy thinking about going through this again and how devastating it will be if it doesn't work, I told DH that I wanted to speak to the embryologist first thing.. so we went to get checked in and for DH to do "his thing" and I asked to speak to the embryologist..he came right over and was very kind, shook our hands and was right on top of our story already, he recapped what happened in '06 and reiterated what a mystery it was. I started to cry and told him how important this was to us and if he could do everything he can we would appreciate it. I wanted this man that could possible help us make a baby to put our faces and our emotions to the process we were about to undergo. So anyway, he was so compassionate and said he would call us either way later in the evening with an update.

Once I got called back to the room I was feeling so taken care of by the nurse and my doctor and my husband...totally different than how I felt in '06 at the same moment. Before we began our doctor came into our room and said that she and the embryologist are talking and he wanted to know why our primary RE had us down for ICSI, (our regular RE doc was out all week at a conference) we explained about the previous 2 morphology reports (which was odd..they should know this, the reports are in our file). So she went back to talk again with the embryologist..when she returned she said the the embryologist suggests that we not perform ICSI on all the eggs, only on half because in '06 they all fractured with ICSI, we talked back and forth and totally agreed...at this time we are all thinking that they will retrieve enough eggs to have these types of options with.

When the procedure was underway we saw every stick into the follicles the doc made, some were more painful then others..but I was still feeling the love in the room... through the window the embryologist is looking at the results in the tubes..he isn't saying anything for a while, then finally he says "one"...and several minutes later "two" and a gazillion minutes later "four"... a bazillion gazillion minutes later my doc says to the embryologists.."hello are you forgetting to tell me something here?", his response is "no, I only have 4"... so my doc continues to search every available follicle and states that she is so surprised, that she thought I'd have a lot more eggs. But I didn't have more eggs, she said well "that's it" and well that was it.... 4. Only 4. She gave me the old encouraging comment "it only takes one healthy egg", however, I know the odds, but appreciated her comment non the less. She gives me a nice pat on the arm and leaves, the nurse hugs me and I sit in cry with my husband who was speaking sweetly in my ear. Just typing this all out makes me cry again.

We return home, and about 20 mins later my aunt and my daughter arrive back at our house.. my daughter is very excited because she went to Target and bought me birthday gifts for next week. That sweet girl of mine went and spent $57 dollars on me with her own gift cards from her birthday last month. She's just unbelievable, I love her so much. I really do not want her to spend a dime on me, especially when it's her own money, but when she said "Mom I was so proud to buy you the gift and I can't wait for you to open it," I about melted.. what a sweetie and what a blessing I already have.

True to his word the embryologist called around 3:30, he said that he's never seen anything like it and after examining two of the eggs under the microscope he says the outside linings/membranes (can't remember the actual term he used) are very thin and fragile. He said one egg has started to fracture already and that he has called our regular RE and they suggest not doing to do the ICSI on any of them because he's afraid that if he probes at them too much they will just break. We agreed, no ICSI. My DH sperm looked great so he was going to just put the sperm in the dish with the eggs and he'll call us first thing in the morning.

The doc said he gets in at 7am and he would call us. I made the decision to sit in bed until he called, like a protest or something..but since it's almost 10am I decided I best start my day. I think if it was good news he would have called us already. I know that with poor egg quality even if we did have one fertilize the likelihood of the cells dividing along with the likelihood of it attaching are slim. It's all very sad, and hard to wrap my mind around. I can't figure it out, do I have the eggs of a 50 year old or what? - and even if that was the case..I'm sure the doctors have seen 50 year old female eggs...what's the mystery with me really? Back when we started IVF round #2 and we had our first consult with our new doctor he said that if this situation happened to us again that "they" would want to write papers about it. I guess it's time to put pen to paper because it is our reality once again.

I very half heartedly allowed my DH to give me the progesterone shot last night, I didn't see the point but allowed the shot to go down just in case.