Sunday, November 30, 2008

We must move forward

We had a nice Thanksgiving with my husband's family this year, although I really missed spending the holiday with my parents and my sister's family at the same time. On Friday I did go shopping and to see "Four Christmases" with my Mother-in law, that was fun, we ended the day with dinner at Bravo's. While we were shopping on Friday, my husband and daughter went to a football game for two smaller college, my father in-law had clients that had a box, so it was a great experience for them. My daughter was very excited to go to the game (anything to avoid shopping), afterwards she said that the box was "so cool" but the football was not.

The end of IVF #2

I had hoped to make it to Monday without starting my period. Saturday morning I woke up at my in-laws and had some very light spotting. By the time we made it home yesterday afternoon it changed to heavy bleeding. AF has arrived in the biggest showing ever. Both my husband and my mother in-law asked if I thought I over did it when we shopped on Friday. This makes me feel defensive, like deep down they will blame me. My husband says that he does not blame me in the least, however I can't help but feel like it's my body that has failed and the guilt is mixed in with the other emotions I have. So I feel defensive too and like I owe everyone an apology. These feelings are self inflicted, but they are still there.

My husband and I started grieving yesterday, we know I'm not pregnant now. We both are extremely sad, it's the worst feeling in the world. I just can't help but feel like I am letting him down and our families down. I have so many emotions right now, but overall I just feel kind of numb.

Tomorrow I'll have my blood test in the morning so the clinic can officially document the BFN. All attempts for us to get pregnant thus far have been covered by insurance. We've been fortunate enough to have paid very little out of pocket, however we have reached our cap. Anything we decide to do in the future will be on our own dime.

I will keep this blog updated with our journey to have a baby, we do not want to give up, we just can't give up. My husband and I talked this morning and we want to continue, it's our dream to have a part of me and a part of him to walk this earth. In my heart I feel like even though we didn't succeed this time that we have to move forward and try again.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A little bit of crazy has set in

I made the mistake this afternoon to do some googling on 2 cell embryo IVF success cases. I couldn't find anything positive, or any success stories with a 2 cell. If I've left a stone unturned please let me know. I've got to stop this researching I is what it is at this point. I cried all the way home to the point of headache (I am ridiculous). I told DH and my mom both that I'm not feeling hopeful, now I've deflated their hopes and I feel guilty. I think it's my defensive armor for the expectation of a negative result on Monday, I guess I shouldn't have shared, wasn't fair of me.

I had come to terms with the 2 day transfer, I figured my chances were just as good as with a 3 day, but what I hadn't really researched was a 2 day transfer w/ a 2 cell division (the other that was transfered hadn't divided at all).

I'm left with this hope: My uterine environment and thick lining saved the day for the embies and they divided like I couldn't even imagine. I hope so at least, my current positive attitude hasn't saved the day that's for sure.

***I hope I hope I hope I hope***

My daughter and I have a beauty appointment this evening at the local little "boutique", she is getting her 2nd ever eyebrow waxing (the girl has serious eyebrow issues, I had to step in, normally I wouldn't think a 12 year old should be waxed as she doesn't even shave her legs yet), she also is getting a hair trim and I am getting a Thanksgiving treat of a pedicure. My first since I swore off of them towards the end of summer (trying to cut out the "latte" spending).

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone if I don't post before then!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Need to Have No Fear, but HOW?

I haven't been able to post to my blog anything "meaty" since last week because in the evenings when I've had a moment I've been drop down tired. I am happy to be writing here this evening...

I haven't had cramps really or any pain worth mentioning outside of my intense shopping trip after work on Friday. I wanted to just grab a new outfit for Saturday and 2 hours later I was still shopping and started having strong painful cramps/like ovarian type pains like I had when I was on the stim meds. So I abandoned the shopping mission and headed home to rest. The cramps went away. I hope I didn't do any damage - thoughts on that anyone, just ovarian issues?

11/24/08 -> 8 days post transfer, today I had my progesterone level tested: Results = 18 (I am relieved)

I'd like to post my symptoms to see what you guys think... please let me know if any of this looks outside of the normal symptoms related to progesterone shots. (my shots are once a day .50 cc)
  • Virtually no cramps or aches (except for periods of extended activity, which I think is related to the still enlarged ovaries)
  • Very frequent urination (at night and during the day)
  • I am more "regular" than normal (thought I was supposed to be constipated)
  • Very sore/tender breasts at night as soon as the bra comes off only
  • Lack of appetite, no cravings for anything
  • Operating on little sleep so I'm tired (related to the frequent trips to the toilet at night)
So far the 2ww is going by pretty quickly for me, I've been busy so I think it's helped, also as the final leg of the 2ww starts we are traveling to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, returning home on Saturday, so I bet Monday will be looking me in the eye at lightning pace.

My husband is confident, so sure this has worked, so happy about me being pregnant. He considers me pregnant already. However, his overconfidence has added to my feeling of outright fear. I don't want to let him down. I know I won't be blamed, but I know I will feel self blame. I do feel hopeful and I want this so badly, it's hard to even imagine that this has worked at the same time. I guess I haven't been able to let myself feel that way.

I have my first Beta on Monday. I fear the results like I've never feared anything in my life. I'm so afraid of BFN that I can't think straight. I'm so afraid. This is why I won't do a HPT this weekend.

When the nurse called me today w/ the progesterone results she said I could write "STAT" on the BETA test on Monday, so we'll know on Monday. I think I'm going to work from home on Monday so that when we get the call we hear the news together.

If you pray, please pray, if you hope, please hope, if you wish, please wish, if you pray, hope & wish please pray, hope & wish!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A Note of Thanks!

Thank you everyone for your comments! I didn't realize I had to manage the comments so I wasn't seeing them on my blog. I really appreciate the support of this community. I am reading your blogs and will be commenting on your individual journey's and offering my support to you all.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Update - 3dp2dt

I returned to the daily work grind today. I actually stayed home from work for 3 days this week to make sure I rested and had "limited activity" and also to avoid my daily work stress. It was harder than I thought to do absolutely nothing really. Yesterday I did go out to lunch with my husband and we did a wee bit of shopping and picked our daughter up from school, which was nice.

I called and spoke to one of the nurses today, I wanted to get the embryo cell # for the Grade 1 embryo that was transfered on Monday. She confirmed what I think I already knew, it was a perfect 2 cell. I've tried to find out what I can about success rates for 2 day transfers, seems like conflicting info out there and I have got to stop researching because it makes me nuts. Or more nuts I guess is more appropriate.

I also told the nurse that today I felt better than I had in weeks and I was a bit worried that I actually felt good. She said not to read into it and I was fine..ect. But it is odd that I felt so good today, because I've been feeling pretty horrible the last several weeks...just bloated, achy ovary type pain and plain uncomfortable. I'm thinking that all that Lupron and Bravelle must have checked out of the system officially. I also went to be last night dog tired at 8:15pm and had the best night sleep I've had in several weeks.

I tried to get the nurse to fess up regarding what great progesterone levels might indicate... :-) She said the same thing the doctor matter how high or low my progesterone test results are next week it's not an indication of pregnancy either way. It's totally a conspiracy!

I test for progesterone level on 11/24 (looking for at least 15)
I test for HCG for pregnancy on 12/1 and 12/03. Seems like buzz light years away right now. AND I read tonight that they call the day after with the blood test results. k i l l i n g me! Don't they realize they need to get the results on the fly and call with results right away.

I have breast heaviness, and tenderness issues - laying on my stomach is not an option. I know it's the progesterone talking though.... I really am praying so hard that this works! Please pray for us and for our little baby(ies) to be!

Monday, November 17, 2008

2 day Transfer Today

Well this morning they did a 2dt at the clinic. One embryo was a grade 1 (which is the best it can be) and the other hadn't divided yet so it couldn't be graded.

We are excited. We pray this works and that the embryos are burrowing in nice and snug.

I must go back to lay down, husband's orders.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Miracles can Happen, to US too!

Unbelievable update:

Embryologist called about 45 mins ago. He said that 2 of the 4 eggs have fertilized! We are in shock, it's unfathomable to us! We just can't believe it. He said that they look like they should at this early stage and to keep praying. He said unless we hear from him early tomorrow morning to plan on coming in at 10:30 am for transfer! WOW. What an amazing feeling. Now we just need those 2 eggs to do what they need do overnight! Our DNA is mingling it up! We've updated the parentals - it's tears all around and many a church prayer answered this morning. Keep praying everyone, keep praying!

#1 tip thus far: Talk to your embryologist. We think it's really made a difference.

Now I must get the house in order and do some work stuff for my 2 days of rest. DH and my mom are pushing for me to take 3 days off from work, we shall see. I have a lot on my plate and even though this is a gazillion times more important, I still feel like an ass re-scheduling meetings and maybe not hitting a few deadlines. My co-workers are going to think I'm just a slacker, but little do they know I'm just trying to implant and grow us a beautiful baby to add to our family!