We must move forward

We had a nice Thanksgiving with my husband's family this year, although I really missed spending the holiday with my parents and my sister's family at the same time. On Friday I did go shopping and to see "Four Christmases" with my Mother-in law, that was fun, we ended the day with dinner at Bravo's. While we were shopping on Friday, my husband and daughter went to a football game for two smaller college, my father in-law had clients that had a box, so it was a great experience for them. My daughter was very excited to go to the game (anything to avoid shopping), afterwards she said that the box was "so cool" but the football was not.

The end of IVF #2

I had hoped to make it to Monday without starting my period. Saturday morning I woke up at my in-laws and had some very light spotting. By the time we made it home yesterday afternoon it changed to heavy bleeding. AF has arrived in the biggest showing ever. Both my husband and my mother in-law asked if I thought I over did it when we shopped on Friday. This makes me feel defensive, like deep down they will blame me. My husband says that he does not blame me in the least, however I can't help but feel like it's my body that has failed and the guilt is mixed in with the other emotions I have. So I feel defensive too and like I owe everyone an apology. These feelings are self inflicted, but they are still there.

My husband and I started grieving yesterday, we know I'm not pregnant now. We both are extremely sad, it's the worst feeling in the world. I just can't help but feel like I am letting him down and our families down. I have so many emotions right now, but overall I just feel kind of numb.

Tomorrow I'll have my blood test in the morning so the clinic can officially document the BFN. All attempts for us to get pregnant thus far have been covered by insurance. We've been fortunate enough to have paid very little out of pocket, however we have reached our cap. Anything we decide to do in the future will be on our own dime.

I will keep this blog updated with our journey to have a baby, we do not want to give up, we just can't give up. My husband and I talked this morning and we want to continue, it's our dream to have a part of me and a part of him to walk this earth. In my heart I feel like even though we didn't succeed this time that we have to move forward and try again.

A little bit of crazy has set in

I made the mistake this afternoon to do some googling on 2 cell embryo IVF success cases. I couldn't find anything positive, or any success stories with a 2 cell. If I've left a stone unturned please let me know. I've got to stop this researching I know...it is what it is at this point. I cried all the way home to the point of headache (I am ridiculous). I told DH and my mom both that I'm not feeling hopeful, now I've deflated their hopes and I feel guilty. I think it's my defensive armor for the expectation of a negative result on Monday, I guess I shouldn't have shared, wasn't fair of me.

I had come to terms with the 2 day transfer, I figured my chances were just as good as with a 3 day, but what I hadn't really researched was a 2 day transfer w/ a 2 cell division (the other that was transfered hadn't divided at all).

I'm left with this hope: My uterine environment and thick lining saved the day for the embies and they divided like I couldn't even imagine. I hope so at least, my current positive attitude hasn't saved the day that's for sure.

***I hope I hope I hope I hope***

My daughter and I have a beauty appointment this evening at the local little "boutique", she is getting her 2nd ever eyebrow waxing (the girl has serious eyebrow issues, I had to step in, normally I wouldn't think a 12 year old should be waxed as she doesn't even shave her legs yet), she also is getting a hair trim and I am getting a Thanksgiving treat of a pedicure. My first since I swore off of them towards the end of summer (trying to cut out the "latte" spending).

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone if I don't post before then!

Need to Have No Fear, but HOW?

I haven't been able to post to my blog anything "meaty" since last week because in the evenings when I've had a moment I've been drop down tired. I am happy to be writing here this evening...

I haven't had cramps really or any pain worth mentioning outside of my intense shopping trip after work on Friday. I wanted to just grab a new outfit for Saturday and 2 hours later I was still shopping and started having strong painful cramps/like ovarian type pains like I had when I was on the stim meds. So I abandoned the shopping mission and headed home to rest. The cramps went away. I hope I didn't do any damage - thoughts on that anyone, just ovarian issues?


11/24/08 -> 8 days post transfer, today I had my progesterone level tested: Results = 18 (I am relieved)

I'd like to post my symptoms to see what you guys think... please let me know if any of this looks outside of the normal symptoms related to progesterone shots. (my shots are once a day .50 cc)

• Virtually no cramps or aches (except for periods of extended activity, which I think is related to the still enlarged ovaries)
• Very frequent urination (at night and during the day)
• I am more "regular" than normal (thought I was supposed to be constipated)
• Very sore/tender breasts at night as soon as the bra comes off only
• Lack of appetite, no cravings for anything
• Operating on little sleep so I'm tired (related to the frequent trips to the toilet at night)

So far the 2ww is going by pretty quickly for me, I've been busy so I think it's helped, also as the final leg of the 2ww starts we are traveling to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, returning home on Saturday, so I bet Monday will be looking me in the eye at lightning pace.

My husband is confident, so sure this has worked, so happy about me being pregnant. He considers me pregnant already. However, his overconfidence has added to my feeling of outright fear. I don't want to let him down. I know I won't be blamed, but I know I will feel self blame. I do feel hopeful and I want this so badly, it's hard to even imagine that this has worked at the same time. I guess I haven't been able to let myself feel that way.

I have my first Beta on Monday. I fear the results like I've never feared anything in my life. I'm so afraid of BFN that I can't think straight. I'm so afraid. This is why I won't do a HPT this weekend.

When the nurse called me today w/ the progesterone results she said I could write "STAT" on the BETA test on Monday, so we'll know on Monday. I think I'm going to work from home on Monday so that when we get the call we hear the news together.

If you pray, please pray, if you hope, please hope, if you wish, please wish, if you pray, hope & wish please pray, hope & wish!

A Note of Thanks!

Thank you everyone for your comments! I didn't realize I had to manage the comments so I wasn't seeing them on my blog. I really appreciate the support of this community. I am reading your blogs and will be commenting on your individual journey's and offering my support to you all.

Update - 3dp2dt

I returned to the daily work grind today. I actually stayed home from work for 3 days this week to make sure I rested and had "limited activity" and also to avoid my daily work stress. It was harder than I thought to do absolutely nothing really. Yesterday I did go out to lunch with my husband and we did a wee bit of shopping and picked our daughter up from school, which was nice.

I called and spoke to one of the nurses today, I wanted to get the embryo cell # for the Grade 1 embryo that was transfered on Monday. She confirmed what I think I already knew, it was a perfect 2 cell. I've tried to find out what I can about success rates for 2 day transfers, seems like conflicting info out there and I have got to stop researching because it makes me nuts. Or more nuts I guess is more appropriate.

I also told the nurse that today I felt better than I had in weeks and I was a bit worried that I actually felt good. She said not to read into it and I was fine..ect. But it is odd that I felt so good today, because I've been feeling pretty horrible the last several weeks...just bloated, achy ovary type pain and plain uncomfortable. I'm thinking that all that Lupron and Bravelle must have checked out of the system officially. I also went to be last night dog tired at 8:15pm and had the best night sleep I've had in several weeks.

I tried to get the nurse to fess up regarding what great progesterone levels might indicate... :-) She said the same thing the doctor said...no matter how high or low my progesterone test results are next week it's not an indication of pregnancy either way. It's totally a conspiracy!

I test for progesterone level on 11/24 (looking for at least 15)
I test for HCG for pregnancy on 12/1 and 12/03. Seems like buzz light years away right now. AND I read tonight that they call the day after with the blood test results. k i l l i n g me! Don't they realize they need to get the results on the fly and call with results right away.

I have breast heaviness, and tenderness issues - laying on my stomach is not an option. I know it's the progesterone talking though.... I really am praying so hard that this works! Please pray for us and for our little baby(ies) to be!

2 day Transfer Today

Well this morning they did a 2dt at the clinic. One embryo was a grade 1 (which is the best it can be) and the other hadn't divided yet so it couldn't be graded.

We are excited. We pray this works and that the embryos are burrowing in nice and snug.

I must go back to lay down, husband's orders.

Miracles can Happen, to US too!

Unbelievable update:

Embryologist called about 45 mins ago. He said that 2 of the 4 eggs have fertilized! We are in shock, it's unfathomable to us! We just can't believe it. He said that they look like they should at this early stage and to keep praying. He said unless we hear from him early tomorrow morning to plan on coming in at 10:30 am for transfer! WOW. What an amazing feeling. Now we just need those 2 eggs to do what they need do overnight! Our DNA is mingling it up! We've updated the parentals - it's tears all around and many a church prayer answered this morning. Keep praying everyone, keep praying!

#1 tip thus far: Talk to your embryologist. We think it's really made a difference.

Now I must get the house in order and do some work stuff for my 2 days of rest. DH and my mom are pushing for me to take 3 days off from work, we shall see. I have a lot on my plate and even though this is a gazillion times more important, I still feel like an ass re-scheduling meetings and maybe not hitting a few deadlines. My co-workers are going to think I'm just a slacker, but little do they know I'm just trying to implant and grow us a beautiful baby to add to our family!

Poor Egg Quality take 2

I couldn't bring myself to post yesterday, I think I wanted to live in our own private denial land for the day.

Here is how yesterday unfolded:

Before we left our house in the morning my DH gave me a nice massage/rub down again, with the same meditation music playing. I decided that since I smelled like pumpkin spice all over again we should nickname the baby "pumpkin."

The clinic we go to is about 40 mins from our house..right before we arrived at the clinic I got all weepy thinking about going through this again and how devastating it will be if it doesn't work, I told DH that I wanted to speak to the embryologist first thing.. so we went to get checked in and for DH to do "his thing" and I asked to speak to the embryologist..he came right over and was very kind, shook our hands and was right on top of our story already, he recapped what happened in '06 and reiterated what a mystery it was. I started to cry and told him how important this was to us and if he could do everything he can we would appreciate it. I wanted this man that could possible help us make a baby to put our faces and our emotions to the process we were about to undergo. So anyway, he was so compassionate and said he would call us either way later in the evening with an update.

Once I got called back to the room I was feeling so taken care of by the nurse and my doctor and my husband...totally different than how I felt in '06 at the same moment. Before we began our doctor came into our room and said that she and the embryologist are talking and he wanted to know why our primary RE had us down for ICSI, (our regular RE doc was out all week at a conference) we explained about the previous 2 morphology reports (which was odd..they should know this, the reports are in our file). So she went back to talk again with the embryologist..when she returned she said the the embryologist suggests that we not perform ICSI on all the eggs, only on half because in '06 they all fractured with ICSI, we talked back and forth and totally agreed...at this time we are all thinking that they will retrieve enough eggs to have these types of options with.

When the procedure was underway we saw every stick into the follicles the doc made, some were more painful then others..but I was still feeling the love in the room... through the window the embryologist is looking at the results in the tubes..he isn't saying anything for a while, then finally he says "one"...and several minutes later "two" and a gazillion minutes later "four"... a bazillion gazillion minutes later my doc says to the embryologists.."hello are you forgetting to tell me something here?", his response is "no, I only have 4"... so my doc continues to search every available follicle and states that she is so surprised, that she thought I'd have a lot more eggs. But I didn't have more eggs, she said well "that's it" and well that was it.... 4. Only 4. She gave me the old encouraging comment "it only takes one healthy egg", however, I know the odds, but appreciated her comment non the less. She gives me a nice pat on the arm and leaves, the nurse hugs me and I sit in cry with my husband who was speaking sweetly in my ear. Just typing this all out makes me cry again.

We return home, and about 20 mins later my aunt and my daughter arrive back at our house.. my daughter is very excited because she went to Target and bought me birthday gifts for next week. That sweet girl of mine went and spent $57 dollars on me with her own gift cards from her birthday last month. She's just unbelievable, I love her so much. I really do not want her to spend a dime on me, especially when it's her own money, but when she said "Mom I was so proud to buy you the gift and I can't wait for you to open it," I about melted.. what a sweetie and what a blessing I already have.

True to his word the embryologist called around 3:30, he said that he's never seen anything like it and after examining two of the eggs under the microscope he says the outside linings/membranes (can't remember the actual term he used) are very thin and fragile. He said one egg has started to fracture already and that he has called our regular RE and they suggest not doing to do the ICSI on any of them because he's afraid that if he probes at them too much they will just break. We agreed, no ICSI. My DH sperm looked great so he was going to just put the sperm in the dish with the eggs and he'll call us first thing in the morning.

The doc said he gets in at 7am and he would call us. I made the decision to sit in bed until he called, like a protest or something..but since it's almost 10am I decided I best start my day. I think if it was good news he would have called us already. I know that with poor egg quality even if we did have one fertilize the likelihood of the cells dividing along with the likelihood of it attaching are slim. It's all very sad, and hard to wrap my mind around. I can't figure it out, do I have the eggs of a 50 year old or what? - and even if that was the case..I'm sure the doctors have seen 50 year old female eggs...what's the mystery with me really? Back when we started IVF round #2 and we had our first consult with our new doctor he said that if this situation happened to us again that "they" would want to write papers about it. I guess it's time to put pen to paper because it is our reality once again.

I very half heartedly allowed my DH to give me the progesterone shot last night, I didn't see the point but allowed the shot to go down just in case.

Got Comments?

I'm eagerly awaiting some activity on my blog. Some kind blogging soul please leave me a comment, ...I will type for comments. :-) Thanks and have a wonderful weekend!

Tomorrow we need a Golden Retrieval

• This a.m.

So we triggered last night and were able to confirm with a HPT that the HCG is in my system. It was funny, after so many years of negative HPT we were tickled to see 2 lines on a test! Pretty pathetic I know, but it's the little things that make us happy.

• After work today:

When I left work today I felt like a kid before Christmas morning, lots of anticipation, I am praying that the "packages" (follies) aren't empty this go round!

After I got home from work I took a shower and called the DH upstairs and asked him to give me a back/leg rub down. I am so tense from work stress I felt like needed a good transition into what's important. I told DH that he's lucky because lots of women are paying for acupuncture and professional massages. He said that I'm getting acupuncture from him.. ha..more like just puncture! Anyway, much to my relaxing delight DH hit play on the meditation CD in our alarm clock and gave me quite the rub down! He used massage tricks that I didn't even know he had...leave it to DH to hold out the good stuff for when it really counts. Anyhow...It was heavenly and now I smell like spiced pumpkin. Can't beat it!

• Analyze this:

Tonight my aunt came over to spend the night to be here in the morning with our daughter while we are at the clinic... (which I really appreciate), so as we were getting ready to eat dinner (health food "AKA" pizza) she says to me in a very excited voice "I forgot to tell you, guess what, my friend Amy at church is pregnant".... (crickets from my side of the table) it just kind of struck me as "bad timing" for that kind of comment. Thankfully I am normally not sensitive to random acts of pregnancy but sometimes the good news of someone else's pregnancy just catches me off guard and it's like a kick in the gut. In this instance, there wasn't a kick, but I am guilty of not responding enthusiastically because it just seemed like such a random thing to tell me the day before IVF retrieval #2. I'll have to as DH later what he thought of that little announcement.

More on the above situation...I've analyzed my feelings and reactions to other peoples good news of pregnancy, I was over the moon (and with loving sisterly envy) for my sis when they became pregnant with my nephew who is now 17 months old (and we are not only aunt/uncle but God parents too), and also again when she become pg with her 2nd child (due in April '08)...I think it's because I feel like her children are a part of me, I adore them and they are family (those that know me would tell you that there not many "beings" that I want to lick the cheeks of and nibble the fingers of...my nephew qualifies!) With my sister being pregnant it has brought to the surface all my feelings of desperately wanting a child with my husband along with the desire to add our DNA stamp to our wonderful families.

Now I sometimes do feel emotional..like I can't breathe, and once in a while some tears fall over the good news announcements from mine or my husbands friends that are more on the acquaintance level.

In general I care about people, I feel their happiness and also their pain. But for reasons that I am very thankful for, I just don't feel emotional when someone I have no connection to at all becomes PG. So with all this being typed out it made me realize that I was just irritated with my aunt for so eagerly telling me about her friends pregnancy. But that's my aunt for you, God love her. :)

• On to brighter things.....

My next post will be with results of the retrieval.....if anyone happens upon this blog before 10am on 11/15/08 please keep your fingers crossed for good follicles and a happy union of sperm and egg! And thanks for reading.

Nitty Gritty IVF numbers!

I gotta say... I love reading other peoples stories, the insight and the humor and sometimes the sadness, it's pretty powerful, like a bond with someone you don't know but are feel a connection to because of a common journey. I hope if you're reading my blog you find it helpful and some sort of comfort too. I will try to not ramble (starting after this post of course!)

So I've been totally absorbed with reading blogs or info on-line with references to cycle days, stims, E2 levels..ect. It's so helpful....well not so helpful to my boss because I CANNOT concentrate on much these days, all I can think about is this process, and with that being said, good old Mr. Google and I have become pretty tight. I think I owe him a Christmas card this year for sure! Anyway..I'm going to list some of my info here in case someone like me is BFF's w/ Mr. Google (I like to share my friends!)

Here are my "stats" I'll start from today and work my way back in case anyone is curious:

Stim day 13: 11/13/08 (only stim in the a.m./ trigger shot in the PM!)
Uterine Lining: 13.3mm -- doc very impressed w/ my lining :)
Follicles: 12 measured, ranging from 11.5 to 20.1mm (I have several @18mm)
E2 Level: 2,438 (liking that # lots!)

• Comments made by doc on Stim day 13: "you've done good work" (in regards to follicle growth), she was super happy with the uterine lining and she seemed genuinely pleased with the results. Outside of her office talking to the IVF nurse for protocol I got the same warm and fuzzies from her! This all may seem odd to report but I'm not used to the sunshine stuff from the staff so I'm taking this as a sign that they are thinking "this lady is gonna be pg soon!"
• Comments from the lab tech that is so sweet and always compliments me in some way when she takes my blood: her: "anyone ever tell you that you look like Lisa Loeb?" Me: "no, but my sister has been told that, and my sis and I look alike." her: "you are like a spicier version." Me: (in my thoughts).. is that her way of saying I am chubbier than Lisa Loeb? "spicier"AKA "chubbier"... I like it! and hey I think LL is cute and retro so that particular look alike comment didn't make me want to run away in shame.

Note: So I just ran upstairs so DH could give me the trigger shot... exciting (not the shot, but that trigger time arrived!) My DH did have to jam the needle in the upper 4th quadrant of my arse..but hey..it's okay, I survived!

Stim Day 11: 11/11/08
Uterine Lining: 12.5mm
Follicles: 12 measured, ranging from 8.6 to 20mm (they weren't clustered together and needed to grow per doc)
E2 Level: 798 (good, more than doubled from previous level)

Stim Day 8: 11/08/08
Uterine Lining: 8.6mm
Follicles: measured 12, ranging from 8.6 to 12.7mm
E2 Level: 290

Stim Day 5: 11/05/08
E2 Level: 76

Note: 10/30/08 Baseline E2 Level 20.

My stim drug (doctors choice): Bravelle

Blessed to already be a Mom

For those of you that are struggling to conceive your first child I will not even pretend to be in your "boat", as I have a wonderful and beautiful and precious daughter from my first brief marriage. I pray that you too will experience the joys that I have and continue to have in being a mother. I am so fortunate now that my daughter and my DH have a bond that is unconditional, those that do not know I was married before assume she is his biological child. My DH is a wonderful father already and the 3 of us to feel blessed as a family unit.

With the above being said.. for those of you like me, that may be in a 2nd marriage, a good marriage, a true commitment...and all you want is to have a baby with the husband you adore...I can relate to you. I can relate because, for me, I know the experience from pregnancy and beyond will be different, and it's something we've both being praying about for so long.

Our daughter is aware of some of the minor details of what we are doing with IVF to help us have a baby....she is very sweet, and spiritual and prays about it often. We don't want to keep her in the dark, and really, it would be very hard to do because that kid is "all ears", if something is going on in our house, she is usually the first to know! We also don't want her to worry, so she's aware I am getting shots to help us to have a baby. I never imagined that she would be an only child, I guess that's because she won't be an only child because IVF #2 is giving her a sibling! I want her to have a sibling to depend on, to tell family stories with and to have shared memories of life w/ "Mom & Dad" when we are long gone.

To Blog or not to Blog???

I've never had a public interactive diary so to speak, or much of a a private one either. I start them a few times a year and then discard them after a while. Even when a journal is "private" it's difficult for me because when I go back to read what I said I am embarrassed or ashamed or I didn't accomplish what I set out to do so in the trash it goes... I am my own worst critic for sure!

This is our second IVF, and we have high hopes for the outcome, "guarded optimism" as I've described it to close family & friends.....however, for me, and maybe others in the IVF roller coaster I would say the "HOPE" we carry outweighs the guard.

When we started our 2nd IVF cycle @ the consult with the new doc in Aug, he was very positive, and that optimism has carried us through. The new doc told us that the "empty" follicles that were retrieved at the end of 2006, (the measly not so fabulous 5 that they were) was fluke and that he could not imagine it happening to us twice. We also have a morpholgoy issue with the sperm, so we know we have to do the ICSI process as well... so as it has turned out this time around...things have been seamless, the whole ordeal seems different, we both feel more at peace with it and it's nice because it's all happened very quickly.

I'm going to blog! This is going to be great for me...therapeutic too I would wager!